FINlos reviews…

…the Florida Capitol Complex

Apr 15

FINlosmiscellaneous architecture, Capitol, Florida, overcompesating, satire 4 Comments

Every state should have a seat of government to be proud of. Florida’s Capitol Complex in Tallahassee (when we last visited Spain several people were under the impression that Miami is the Capitol of Florida and for better or worse this is not the case) fits the bill. Combining the grace and grandeur of the old south with the angles of modern architecture, Florida’s Capitol surely competes with even the most elegant of state structures.

In that picture you see two structures, the foreground being occupied by the Old Capitol. You see? Like I said, stately, elegant, southern. Just look at those Ionic columns, classic Greek Revival! And red and white pinstriped window awnings? How much more “authentic” can you get? But glancing to the tall structure in the background is a clashing tower of angles and sky puncturing altitude (yes, I’ve been to a real city). That is the new Capitol Building. Wait, let me show you a little more clearly.

Just look at how the new architecture, square and garish, triumphantly surrounding the quaint “old” Capitol. It quite simply dwarfs it, the square Legislature office buildings on the sides, the dome-topped Senate and HOR Buildings behind, and the towering New Capitol looming above. The quite clearly says “the past is just that, and the future is big, and has angles!” And honestly, red and white pinstripes? That’s so Colonel Sanders and this ain’t Kentucky (no offense to any possible readers from KY, the Smokeis are gorgeous). No these windows are all covered with drab metal slats arranged on long, vertical rows because really, who needs direct sunlight anyways? And when viewed from a distance, they give the appearance of black and gray pinstripes, obviously much more stylish.

Look at how this 3d Google Earth map clearly shows the progress the citizens of Florida have made. How could we have ever grown into the economic powerhouse (read: schools) with such a puny symbol for our legislative efficiency (read: meddlesome). And this image also eludes to the Capitol Complex’s single most important and powerful feature.Do you see it yet? It’s okay if you don’t, most people just seem to ignore it. But its purpose is obvious. There is a subtle (read: definition #2) feature embedded into the architecture which just sends Florida’s Capitol to the very top tier, if not the highest levels of greatness amongst official state buildings. It took this structure’s designers a great amount of courage and, I’m sure, fortitude to get the designs passed. Because when one truly looks at the design of the Capitol Complex, it becomes more than just a simple group of buildings made of steel and stone. It is more than all that is prudent and simple about modern design and architecture from the 70′s and says to hell with all that useless classical elegance and 5000 years of aesthetics. Do away with all that, and give me an erection.

Because really, what says “I am truly the greatest state in this union” better than a giant phallus? And this is where the designers were truly ingenious: they even managed to integrate the domes of the Senate and HOR to form matching massive testicles, because obviously, Florida is no eunuch.

And look, when taken as a whole, the phallic imagery just continues as the House and Senate office buildings unite with the whole picture to form a hand giving a giant birdie! That’s right, Florida is giving you the finger.

Rated four stars for obvious manliness and spitting in the face of any pretense or care for style or elegance. Did not make the perfect score due to a disproportional set of genitalia. Those huevos are just too big!